Weighty issues

 

I'd like to touch on a subject I avoided up until now, mostly cause I think it is given way too much importance in our culture.

The issue of weight.
Anyone who knows me knows I had my fair amount of dieting and obsessing about food. I won't bore you with my realizations but I would like to comment on a few things.
There is such an imbalance of attitudes toward female weight in the media that it makes it real hard to be and stay normal on this subject on a personal level. What I found infuriating is that whichever way you go you are somehow wrong. If you' re slim you are automatically called a stick thin anorexic, if you are big you are a fat lazy cow, and if you are in the middle you are not good enough because you are obviously not trying enough to be better (read thinner).
Now I do think that due to the cultural changes in eating, some people are overweight beyond the question if it is pretty or not. They are in the land of will they'll get diabetes or not. So for instance even though I think it is cool how Beth Ditto dresses and rocks, I think she should definitely lose some weight and give her heart and her knees a fighting chance.
But there is another fucked up issue in all of this: even though I am a firm believer in individual responsibility (not only in this, but in all wakes of life), the society is now set up so, that it becomes a real fight to eat normal (or even know what's normal). This is especially the case in the UK. There, first of all, food is everywhere: you can't have a cup of coffee in the park without being offered a giant ass muffin. Now, it's not a problem to say no: the problem is that after a while you start to put this in the same group in your head, and all of a sudden buying coffee equals food as well. This is just one example of how consumer society "enables" over-eating and then at the same time scolds you for eating too much and not being slender. 
I am guessing US is even worse with their tendency to super size every-friggin-thing.
On the other hand, standards of what is slim have changed and are very unrealistic: it's not enough to only be of YOUR ideal weight, you are supposed to strive for a certain number. Not only to look better, but to be a "better" person: more successful, more attractive and hell, just to be able to wear the clothes you like (don't even get me started on this).

This all is a labyrinth of society facts that can make even the healthiest of people confused with should's and should not's. I don't have an answer or even a conclusion on this subject, but I do think we live in an unhealthy culture which, btw, we ourselves perpetuate and allow to manipulate us.

Flawless

  

Do you know what I've been thinking about a lot lately?
My flaws. About all the way's am a fuck up. (Yeah, swearing a lot is one of them for some people. It's not for me.)
Now before the self-help author in you jumps out, listen to what I have to say. My whole life I have been either running away from my failings, been ashamed of them or fighting them in a war that's been mostly lots of lost battles on both sides. Lately, as I started to feel a bit more secure with myself and what/who I am, they stopped looking so scary. All of a sudden the fact I am very imperfect (imagine!) and those particular imperfections started to feel…well, like it is not the end of the world.
I have realized, and survived might I add, that I easily become smug and complacent, that I tend to stay in any state as long as it's comfortable, that I DO have a narcissistic side, that until recently I have played victim for most of my life (and still occasionally indulge in it), I am greedy, I lack both patience and compassion in all things I myself haven't encountered (or have, but long time ago). Also I look at most things as all or nothing (mostly nothing) and have a defeatist attitude on everything that is not a sure win (and most things aren't). I wait for things to come to me (as they should, my inner narcissus tells me so) and will make a first step only when there is NO other option (and this is rarely, as you can always run away)… God when I list it like this, I am surprised I ever achieved anything.
Never the less, this is so and it's not even the full list, and you know what I am mostly okay with it. Not in a fuck it-no-point-in-changing-now way, but in a am-working-on-it-but-it-might-take-some-time way.

In which I crave some ugliness

 

"Life bends joy and pain, beauty and ugliness, in such a way that no one may isolate them."
-Jean Toomer

Do you ever go to Dress Code High Fashion ( former Boheme Noir)?

I love the posts on that blog: they are like fashion education**.
Well today I saw a post on Alexander McQueen's  S/S 2001 "Voss" collection there. It reminded me of the brutal beauty he was a genius at and how I miss a bit of "ugliness" in both my work and things I look at. I am a lover of beauty (bit on the obsessed side) but this can sometimes lead to overuse leading to a feeling similar to when you overdo sugar: all the loveliness starts to blend together in a kind of a pastel, sweet paste, that is more pain than pleasure upon consuming it.
So I got a craving for ugliness: am not sure how successful I was, but I loved that this girl at least isn't overly pretty. She has angular lines and shadows where they shouldn't be any, mouth that are a tad too big and a bow that is not even close to the cute bracket it usually comes from. So I like her.



** They remind me of high school  when I used to study subjects like History of fashion. We would learn about dresses in 16 th.century or designers like Elsa Schiaparelli, about runway shows that changed the way we look forever. This is very important, I feel, for anyone seriously interested in fashion, so one can get a bigger picture of the styles and how repetitive and at the same time original fashion is. Her blog is like a wonderful fashion archive where you can see next season styles and Chanel ads from 1989 until today. Where does she gets some of those pics I have no idea, but if you hadn't yet you should definitely check it. 

Are you fucking kidding me!?!?

This drawing started as something completely different but earlier today something happened that urged me to put the girl in this pose and write on the left side: Are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I decided to remove it as it kinda took attention from the girl (and you know how I don't like that).

Anyway what happened? Well, someone whose business it SO isn't, decided to offer their opinion on my relationship status and offer a solution. I graciously declined, but this didn't really go through.  Now am in a bit of pickle as I can't react as I would like and say exactly how I feel about him or his opinion, so am venting here. And just to clarify, I am not too sensitive about this issue, being single for a while I got used to people sticking their nose where it doesn't belong…I tell you, one of these days, am so gonna snap and ask back: "So how does it feel to be in a doomed relationship with a man/woman you clearly can't stand/ don't love/ is gay/ cheats on you/ you cheat on/ is a retard?" Cause mostly people in these kind of relationships offer their condolences on my single status. I mean if I was in a situation like this I would just keep my mouth shut and pray to dear God nobody starts the subject.

gee.. it does feel good to vent. On the bright side, don't you just love this laser cut Christopher Kane leather clutch. It comes in a few colors, all of them bright and neon and I would so rock each of them.

New horizons

 

Am back from my holiday. Weeee! Have to say I feel really good.

I feel a bit uninspired to write, not for the lack of things going on, more cause I am not sure how to process the data and which ones I feel comfortable letting out. I actually feel I could let it all out which is a BIT suspicious. Like, maybe I should call my supervisor just to check, if-ya-know-what-I-mean.

Now about the drawing. Are you as confused as I am? Lately I started to make illustrations which I don't completely understand. Like my style and visual language have been growing somewhere behind my back and are just using me to materialise. As if they have been developing and know how to tell the story and have given up on checking with me what I think. Like they just had enough of my procrastination, over thinking and lack of time and are going above my head to express themselves.

And you know what… I salute them. Fuck me! I could apparently wait forever for everything to be "perfect" and "right". I say you go get em and feel free to leave me out. And knowing me I'll probably catch on once I realise I have no choice. Am just a bit slow, that's all.