Money makes the world go around ?!?

 

Money is not what drives me. Me and money have a quirky kind of relationship where I play cool and go all " Who needs ya' " and money goes "Wasn't planning on sticking around anyway!" and I am all like " Fine!! ", and money is like " Whatever! " and around we go. But honestly although I do like money in that it gives me certain freedom to do what I want in life, I don't believe it should be a big factor in my decisions.
That said… I am feeling a little bummed out about money at the moment. Most of the world is either in deep shit or heading there, and Croatia is very much near the bottom of that pool. And on top of that I am developing a wonderful career which isn't cashing in just yet. And before anyone starts jumping in with don't worry it's going to happen, let me just say I know, but it is still getting me down. And it has a lot to do with living here: I earned almost the same amount of money in London and lived better. I am not even sure how (as most of you know the price of rent is London is ridiculous), but it's true. I could go out more, buy more clothes, eat better food (Only free range and organic, thank you!). At the moment I have a feeling I only work to be able to live here… and it's not much of a place to be to be honest. It s.u.c.k.s.! Off course I know that there are people who have it worse (heck I was one of them while unemployed) but still… it's just bumming me out, that's all.

p.s. Please don't judge the girl in the drawing. She is no shopaholic, it's just a drawing I made for something else and didn't use.

Fashion week love

 

When fashion weeks come it is truly the time of joy.

Mostly. And a bit of anxiety. Every season I go to style.com (I have been doing this since 2003) and I get something similar to a mini panic attack: all those new pretty things come in and I want to see them now now now… or possibly even sooner. I want to see the details, the accessories, the backstage shots, the front row. I open multiple tabs, multiple windows and organise pics on my computer to folder according to designer and season ( I think this is like the peek of my organising skills)
This year, it has come to that I am delaying even taking a peek. Cause I know I will be consumed.
But my curiosity will get the better of me, and I will go and take a look and become greedy, and it will go on.
Still, I have a feeling it is nothing to the stress people who go there feel.

On the other note, a completely unrelated drawing of a girl I think is a green goddess. I bet this one is a vegetarian. 

Few thoughts

I have a funny one today.

So, last two weeks I have been spending in my home town. It is a small town with long tradition which people then use justify delusions about their own self worth, but that is probably besides the point now. What I wanna talk about is this…

There are about three thoughts/ ideas that go around and that people repeat as their own beliefs. I swear people don't even change the words: they repeat the exact same sentences. And they are the same ones that were going around when I was younger and living here.
These are ideas on how a certain place/ people/ experience is.
I mean this happens on a larger scale in bigger cities as well (I am not implying that my hometown is different than aaaany other), it's just than on such a small scale it's very easy to notice a pattern. And I am stunned, really stunned by this: I simply cannot believe that a normal, intelligent, educated person can accept this without rethinking it. People can accept an idea like "French are such and such" without asking themselves: Wait, how do I know they are such? I have never met a french person or been in Francemore than three days? Even if I did meet one, how can I say they are all a certain way? Or how do I know that a person whose "idea" I have accepted is objective?
How? How do people not question "facts" they are served?
And even if I take in account the fact people like to seam knowledgable and worldly, but are lazy, so go for anything that comes by… Still, I am confused by this… AND yes, I know I tend to over think, so NO, I DON'T think all people should be like me. But how… why… or better yet why?
And, this is so great, if some people from there even read this, they will probably think "Oh yeah, there are people like this here, but luckily I am not." This is perfect.

Home is where the inspiration is?

Looks like spring in my head, right?.
Btw, didn't mentioned it but where I am it's still summer. Like between 25°C and 30°C! Longest summer in a long long time. Last time I had a summer this long was when I was in Australia for a big part of the winter so basically had 9 months of spring and summer. Those were the days!
And yes I probably am trying to console myself with this, as there is a fashion week month happening and am quite jealous.
It touches on an important subject for me. Does it make a difference that I live out of the loop?
On one hand I can do all my work online but on the other, I sometimes feel that my artistic development is a bit  hindered by this. Zagreb is not a small city, but not a big one either. In illustration terms I might as well be living in Madagascar.
For me neither Croatia nor Zagreb doesn't offer much (read: nothing) in this area…. I mean there isn't a decent paper shop here ( I am NOT kidding: it's not that you can't get it at all, but it definitely will not be easy and will be much more expensive than what you'd pay elsewhere).
Now, I know a few people who do illustration in Zagreb and are doing fine (though no one who does fashion), and I definitely don't want to use this as an excuse, but I just feel like maybe this is not the best environment for my growth. I am not very rebellious and can easily become inert so I thrive in an active surroundings.
Hm… this is what I've been pondering on. Only thing is that I don't want to be one foe those people who blame others for their problems. I can't seem to find that thin line… the one that tells me I am trying to eschew the problem by leaving or that I am just realising that not every place is good for everything.

Also… last post had a pretty big response. Seems a lot of you guys found themselves in this. It is a tricky one, specially as it really doesn't have an answer or a solution in the end. Only thing anyone can do, it seems, is just keep trying.

Just enough or too much?

You might have noticed I wasn't around lately (again).
That's because I was trying to have a life.
I just can't seem to get the hold of this: I either work or play. If I do make it and have both, it's usually for about 3 days.
How do other people do it... because I swear I can't?!?!
I have a job, illustration (which includes both this blog and increasing number of illustrating jobs) and social life. Usually what I cut first when am short on time is social life. But then I don't have a life to write about on my blog (and I swear I CAN NOT, for the life of me, write how I have no life to speak of AGAIN). So I went and got myself some life.... but when I do this I don't do as much work as I'd like to (or need to, for that matter!). There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Again, how do other people do it? I know I could be a bit more organized, but I swear I don't procrastinate.... much. I mean you know, I am not Miss Efficiency or nothing like that, but I do do as much as I can fit in the day.
Plus, oh yeah I forgot to mention that, I started running like a month or so ago ( actually back in May, but on and off) so that takes at least an hour ( I mean to get there, do it come back have a shower.... running itself takes about 20 minutes at this point).

So my question is this: how do people do this? How do they have a life, work, play, workout? And I don't mean just going through the motions, I mean like a fulfilling dedicated life... or am I expecting too much?

Weighty issues

 

I'd like to touch on a subject I avoided up until now, mostly cause I think it is given way too much importance in our culture.

The issue of weight.
Anyone who knows me knows I had my fair amount of dieting and obsessing about food. I won't bore you with my realizations but I would like to comment on a few things.
There is such an imbalance of attitudes toward female weight in the media that it makes it real hard to be and stay normal on this subject on a personal level. What I found infuriating is that whichever way you go you are somehow wrong. If you' re slim you are automatically called a stick thin anorexic, if you are big you are a fat lazy cow, and if you are in the middle you are not good enough because you are obviously not trying enough to be better (read thinner).
Now I do think that due to the cultural changes in eating, some people are overweight beyond the question if it is pretty or not. They are in the land of will they'll get diabetes or not. So for instance even though I think it is cool how Beth Ditto dresses and rocks, I think she should definitely lose some weight and give her heart and her knees a fighting chance.
But there is another fucked up issue in all of this: even though I am a firm believer in individual responsibility (not only in this, but in all wakes of life), the society is now set up so, that it becomes a real fight to eat normal (or even know what's normal). This is especially the case in the UK. There, first of all, food is everywhere: you can't have a cup of coffee in the park without being offered a giant ass muffin. Now, it's not a problem to say no: the problem is that after a while you start to put this in the same group in your head, and all of a sudden buying coffee equals food as well. This is just one example of how consumer society "enables" over-eating and then at the same time scolds you for eating too much and not being slender. 
I am guessing US is even worse with their tendency to super size every-friggin-thing.
On the other hand, standards of what is slim have changed and are very unrealistic: it's not enough to only be of YOUR ideal weight, you are supposed to strive for a certain number. Not only to look better, but to be a "better" person: more successful, more attractive and hell, just to be able to wear the clothes you like (don't even get me started on this).

This all is a labyrinth of society facts that can make even the healthiest of people confused with should's and should not's. I don't have an answer or even a conclusion on this subject, but I do think we live in an unhealthy culture which, btw, we ourselves perpetuate and allow to manipulate us.

Flawless

  

Do you know what I've been thinking about a lot lately?
My flaws. About all the way's am a fuck up. (Yeah, swearing a lot is one of them for some people. It's not for me.)
Now before the self-help author in you jumps out, listen to what I have to say. My whole life I have been either running away from my failings, been ashamed of them or fighting them in a war that's been mostly lots of lost battles on both sides. Lately, as I started to feel a bit more secure with myself and what/who I am, they stopped looking so scary. All of a sudden the fact I am very imperfect (imagine!) and those particular imperfections started to feel…well, like it is not the end of the world.
I have realized, and survived might I add, that I easily become smug and complacent, that I tend to stay in any state as long as it's comfortable, that I DO have a narcissistic side, that until recently I have played victim for most of my life (and still occasionally indulge in it), I am greedy, I lack both patience and compassion in all things I myself haven't encountered (or have, but long time ago). Also I look at most things as all or nothing (mostly nothing) and have a defeatist attitude on everything that is not a sure win (and most things aren't). I wait for things to come to me (as they should, my inner narcissus tells me so) and will make a first step only when there is NO other option (and this is rarely, as you can always run away)… God when I list it like this, I am surprised I ever achieved anything.
Never the less, this is so and it's not even the full list, and you know what I am mostly okay with it. Not in a fuck it-no-point-in-changing-now way, but in a am-working-on-it-but-it-might-take-some-time way.